Fear

Maniacs of the heart threaten your sanity , victim of my own mind,they trigger fire at me and i’m supposed to give in and die?!

 

26/11/93 born and raised in Lebanon , Christian and not just on paper , I am strong believer and without His miracles my cancer would have eaten me up , i wouldn’t be here. 

 

I've always been looked down at by my parents and sister , i am the whore , not practically their words though some were so hurtful but it’s close enough . I am the good girl , i have always been quiet , hours would pass by without a sound coming out fro m y mouth , I was a small girl , so sweet that grew into a woman which they won’t accept. I have turned to a bad girl , a horrible girl, my feelings of sadness or disgust are not welcomed and misunderstood, i’ve always felt like an alien in my own home…maybe i am just hung up on the novel i am reading or what just happened 30 minutes ago, anyway , you might not want to read this because i am a bad girl! 

I can never embrace my feminine sexual being , express my thoughts or even declare myself as upset. 

"Don’t you dare cry , we love you so much , what did we do wrong ?”

 

Limitless times i have sobbed, the reason I hate my bed back home , so many heartbreaks and morbid pain that need to be all buried away somewhere that’s why music has been escape to find hope when i couldn’t pray. 

“Don’t push your breasts out! don’t look at boys , don’t write back to boys! don’t feel anything, you’re so young!”

 

i was afraid of everything but then fear itself ate my body , i think it’s what caused me to live with cancer twice in four years , it’s all the pain inside me , always hiding myself without any of my words fleeting , reaching someone else to save me. 

 

I was afraid of everything , even though i have a lump in my throat at the moment , a few tears is all i shed , it’s not like it used to be,  a little girl sobbing at every punch , after all i spent so many days in physical and emotional pain that i have built an immune system and finally…finally peace of mind , i love my body and my naked reflection and the thoughts that run through my head. Yes, I am bad, so bad I walk around the house with no pants , love everyone around me , give them my all and above all sacrificed my happiness for so long but not anymore. I want and need to be happy more than anything , that’s my big dream , slow mornings with great music , delicious food and walking naked around the house with someone that understands me for who I am! 

 

I kept loosing myself, trying to kill everything that makes me who i am but you can’t tame fire or water! #GIRL have helped me in countless ways , every time i have an ache I post about it , I feel the sadness just leaving my mind and body rather than locking itself within me. I am honest , open and raw in every word i write and that empowers me . Being heard and seen  is the number one gift i have been given through @girlsinrealife , it helped me pave my way to open up even more.

 

Fear is crippling, hope is life! 

 

 

Hello, World!