If I knew I was a queen
If I knew I was a queen
I would've known when to leave.
I would have been unflinching, and unwavering, with confidence that would frighten girls and boys but hypnotize free women and men.
I would've recognized that my work was in allowing my transformation-al love to haunt you and teach you in my absence.
A love that would make you weep with humility because you never believed yourself worthy to receive it.
A love that only true consciousness can begin to explore the depths of...but you were only half awake.
The kind that inspires you to ask for forgiveness, even though I forgave you long ago.
A love that shows you, it's not with me you seek peace...it's within your own mind, but you can't fathom that - even in your dreams. ...and still my love would teach you to forgive yourself and guide you towards that relief.
A love that feeds you from this life to the next.
A love that makes you feel expansive, limitless, and the size of ant.
A love that fills you and surrounds you, empowers and overpowers.
Who were you to receive that kind of love?
You were you.
Enough for me, but not enough for you and that belief was not enough for me.
So you questioned me.
I thought I could love you to the light.
Instead you went from a slow suicide to homicide, and the only one standing there was me.
You always had questions..
but if I knew I was a queen I wouldn't have tried to be your answer..
Finding a complete
I remember my old drama teacher had told me people come together through a commonality of pain and we were such different people, him and I. We were on the beach eating pizza and he just started telling me how he let base ball go and I kinda told him how I let painting go and I guess both of us had never really said it out loud before.... what it was like for part of your identity to just completely disappear and how much that actually does hurt you when you've been that for so long. Everyone knows you as this one thing and then one day you wake up and for the strangest reason you cant be that anymore. It's hard for you to grasp let alone other people. The problem is that everyone loves to put each other into these little, tiny, white, crisp envelopes; it's easier to categorise people I suppose. But one day it started to rain and I mean really rain like the the clouds are going to fall through the sky kinda droplets. Our envelope must of gotten drenched and as it started to decompose we fell loose from its hold. And I guess both of us never really addressed that it sucked that we lost a big part of who we were, maybe because we were scared to feel it and to admit it and maybe because we were dumb kids who wanted to act like we were stronger than we were. But there it was out in the atmosphere, finally voiced and it felt so damn good for two strangers to understand the same fear of loss at the same moment in time. Nothing else really had to be said, I mean when you can say something like that with in the first few minutes of meeting I guess it's kinda obvious you're gonna fall in love, even if you don't want too.
We were in this little diner restaurant it had taken us four hours just to find a place to eat. it even had one of those old blue heaven coloured juke boxes where you could pick the song...There was this Spanish guy wearing odd socks, one was lavender with little sunflowers on it and the other one reminded me of a day at the circus when you eat to much fairy floss and it doesn't really match to well with the adrenaline floating through your veins. it's almost sickening, in the best possible way. I was just watching him pick his favourite music out and he was so happy. I could see it. I hadn't seen someone look that happy since I was to young to understand that words people say aren't usually the words people feel. He didn't have an ounce of fear wrenching over his body, he was weightless and for a split second I think I might of felt his happy too. I was with this guy that I thought I really might like at the time. He had a white t shirt for everyday of the week or maybe he was just really good at getting his laundry done on time. He seemed to be good at all the things one should be good at. Like being ten minutes early to appointments and always brushing your teeth for exactly the right amount of time twice a day. I was really bad at all those things and I guess that's why I liked him. His hair was always messy and for some stupid reason I thought that meant he had a lot of thoughts in his mind. I put my head on his shoulder and laced my legs over his knees and he slurred "why do you have to be so damn affectionate all the time?" and I felt the happy fade a little or maybe a lot. I looked for the Spanish man again with the funny odd socks but I couldn't find him anymore....maybe his milkshake was ready or maybe he had somewhere he really really needed to be. I thought how sad it was I couldn't reach for that guys hand I kinda liked on the side walk anymore and so I left in search of the Spanish man hoping I could find the matching pair to one of his socks so at least something around me could feel complete