The most important kind of pain is that of harrowing loneliness. Not just the alone-on-valentines-day kind of loneliness, but the truest, deepest kind – when you could wake up in the morning and eat cookie dough for breakfast and nobody is there to judge you out of it. And you could probably stay in your robe for a week straight and nobody would ever notice when you smell like spoiled milk and your hair is matted to your head on Friday night. But you force yourself anyways- to cook yourself breakfast in the morning and not call in sick to that job you hate. Loneliness is having food in your teeth all day and not one person cares enough to tell you. Loneliness is being in another state, in another part of the country, and its freezing cold and everyone has a jacket but you. You didn’t think you’d be here this long. Loneliness is canon-balling into the water, without even knowing if it’s deep enough, or if its infested with water moccasins. But you’d rather leap into the unknown than stand alone at the edge of the world for another minute. Loneliness is wishing for some comfort – from anything, anyone, anywhere you can get. But instead you cook yourself some dinner and at least that tastes good.
Loneliness is making a tinder profile, knowing that you have nothing to offer anyone right now. You’re really just trying to “super like” yourself. And that’s hard. Loneliness is heavier on Sundays, when you’re watching your favorite show alone.
Loneliness is getting a flat tire and wanting to be able to change it yourself without calling your dad but you give up and call your dad and he doesn’t even answer,
so you figure it out and change the damn thing yourself. Loneliness is getting lost in the vortex of Netflix and you don’t feel bad about it at all. Loneliness is when nothing is familiar and all you want is to see your grandma. And sometimes crying about her in the shower. Loneliness is when your therapist is going out of town for a week and not bringing her phone and that gives you anxiety. Loneliness is finding hilarious memes on the internet and having nobody to send them to. You laugh to yourself a lot, but hey, at least you’re laughing? It’s studying your ass off for a test and getting an A but nobody’s there to congratulate you other than that little voice in your head that says “you go girl” when you look in the mirror. Even though you couldn’t face yourself for years, once you get lonely enough you have no other option than to find parts of yourself that you like. Loneliness is when your heart has broken in so many ways you just want to throw the jagged remaining pieces into the wind in hopes of regenerating a new one. A whole one. With a good filter around it. It’s going to the movies alone because nobody around you seems to appreciate the art of cinema. Loneliness is feeling ugly and having nobody to tell you that you’re pretty so you have to say it to yourself – and every day you actually get closer to believing it. It’s that one fucking playlist you have hidden in the darkest, saddest, caverns of your Spotify – you know the one with all the Bright Eyes and Adele. Loneliness is going to bed at ten on a Saturday night because you deserve a good nights sleep. It’s laying in bed, reciting your pain to some cloud that probably doesn’t even listen, and afterwards feeling like you’re not so alone. words by @a_ahlz