Photography Jase Holzer
Lingerie Kayleigh Peddie
Create a playlist of songs, books and tell me more about why you find it so hard to love yourself , what would it take for you to get rid of the fears?
Damn, ok so playlist. My tastes are often ridiculous...but i prefer to think of the as diverse and nostalgic! Quite often they make me wish i was a groupie in the 80s hair metal scene...
Motley Crue: Kickstart my heard
HIM: Deep shadows and brilliant highlights (Album)
Rob Zombie living dead girl
69 Eyes: Dance D'amour
Ramstein: Feuer Frei
Scorpians: No one like you
Senses fail: The irony of dying on your birthday
Poison: Talk dirty to me
Skid row: Youth gone wild
Warrant: Cherry pie
And on the other end of the musical spectrum...
Flock of seagulls: I ran
Dolly Parton: Bargin store
Nick cave/Kylie Minogue: Wild rose
A$ap Rocky: F**kin problems and Shabba
The hush sound: Sweet tangerine
Kate Bush: Wuthering heights
Aqua: Dr jones (dont judge me)
I love reading. I read every single day for at least a couple of hours. Two of my favourite and most read books in my collection are Mommie dearest by Christine Crawford and Red Dwarf by Grant Naylor! Every now and then ill binge on rock star autobiographies too. The 70's/80's rock star ones are always the best. My all time favourite in that catagory is Nikki Sixx's The heroin diaries. Its incredible. But in general, and not something id admit to a lot of people in person i go through 'romantic trash' like its going out of fashion. I have kindle unlimited so i tend to get through like 3 or 4 of those things a week ha! Mills and boon can hardly keep up with me...
Talking about self confidence issues is hard. As hard as mental health issues maybe. Although they're often linked. I dont really like being photographed by other photographers because i'm not entirely comfortable with how i look. I see myself too closely and see my own flaws too much maybe. But having pretty bad depression at times definitely contributes. I'll go months at a time without looking down at my own body, so sometimes i'm surprised when i do and see that particular time i might be more in shape than i thought. Other times ill look in the mirror and see a mess. Prompting the not looking at myself again. Its always been that way i think. This shoot was prompted by some custom lingerie i treated myself too (i dont have the most normal of measurements) after getting a bit down about highstreet lingerie being WAY too small. I wanted something that looked fun and carefree and summery and retro. I trusted the only photographer i've let shoot me properly (Jase Holzer) to capture it and on 35mm film too. So that was a bit nerve wracking. Not being able to see the final results straight away. But maybe thats best. Seeing my flaws instantly and criticising my body and poses/facial expressions probly would have made me want to stop shooting. So shooting it on film was a way of making things all about the present and all i had to focus on was not blowing orange juice out my nose. I was pretty ecstatic with the results. They're kind of raw looking and natural. Fun. Jase managed to give me exactly what was in my head while shooting. Maybe even more.
Well thats more than i expected to write...